The Head Tie
by AwesomePotterlover
Summary: "But it's yours!" Lafayette giggled, trying to pull away from his boyfriend as he tied the head tie around his ponytail. Hercules stood back to admire his work, and Lafayette hated to admit it felt familiar and safe hanging down his back. "It'll keep you safe for me." Hercules grinned. FEAT: Seabury being an ass, Burr saving everyone's ass, HercuLaf, and Afterlife fluff. Angst.
1. Prologue: Mom Friend

**AN: Guess who got into Hamilton instead of finishing all the other fanfics on this account...me! Whoops. Anyway, this is gay, a lot of Herculaf? That's what I call it anyway. Have fun!  
-AP**

* * *

"So yeah, that's just how it is!" Alexander said too loudly. "Laf is a bad influence, I yell too much, you're easily problem-overwhelmed, so...Hercules is the Mom friend!" He finished. John giggled at his speech, and took another swig of his drink. Lafayette was busy buying another round, but Hercules had just come in.

"M-mom friend?" He said confusedly. The two turned to him with shock, and then just looked at each other, before laughing uproariously. Lafayette turned around, balancing the drinks well and thanking the barman, then putting them down in front of their respective owners. "Thanks, Lafayette!" Hamilton gasped out between laughs. Hercules turned and pointed accusingly at the Frenchman.

"You did this." He gasped in mock offense. Laf hid his smile with his drink, and took a sip, before turning his head away. "I have no idea what you're talking about, mon ami." He was giggling as he placed his drink down, jumping a mile when a hand dug into his ticklish spot on his side.

He let out a squeal as Hercules pounced on him. "H-HERC NO-MERDE!" He screeched as the chair tipped and fell, sending both of them toppling to the floor. Laurens and Hamilton just burst out laughing again as they watched their friends tickle-fight. Finally, it was Lafayette who panted out. "I give in, I give in!" He shouted as Hercules pinned his arms.

The barman glared at them over the counter. "Guys!" Hamilton shouted as the door slammed open, a warning taken as soon as it was heard. Hercules quickly scrambled off of Lafayette and the two stood up, brushing themselves off. Sam Seabury. Oh Jesus. "Oh. What's this?" He grinned maliciously. Laf looked to the side and Hercules was staring at his shoes. "Couldn't be...no, of course, Mr Hamilton's friends would never commit _gross indecency*,_ would they?"

"Seabury, fuck off." Hamilton said, standing up to defend his friends. "It wasn't gross indecency. They were just...fighting. Play-fighting." Sam raised his eyebrows as the bartender slipped his drink over to him. "Fighting, huh? I could get your disgusting friends hanged, Hamilton." John stood as well, joining Alexander in his protective stance and sending death glares to the man as he sipped his drink, almost mockingly. "Oh, or maybe we'll just throw them in the ocean...that would be familiar, right, Alexander? All the wind and water?"

Alex felt Hercules tie his head tie around his forehead and grinned at the pat on the shoulder, before he completely let rip.

* * *

 **AN: Pretty short prologue, but everything after this is over a thousand words...Yay. *- Gross Indecency was an actual conviction for gay men who couldn't be convicted of sodomy or basic homosexuality, both of which were only convicting if there was proof. I do my research. Alexander Hamilton would be proud... Anyway quick reminder before we go on that this is nothing like history, and it's all made up. Thank you for reading, review if you've got a comment, enjoy!**

 **-AP**


	2. Chapter 1: Lucky

**AN: Woo next chapter! This is being copy pasted directly from my wattpad and the story's done so updates should be as swift as this all the way through. Very gay stuff. This is when Burr saves everyone's asses. Also I have no idea how court works. Enjoy!  
-AP**

* * *

"Why do you always do that?" Alexander asked, pulling the tie off of his head and handing it back to his friend. "I mean, it looks awesome and I'm not complaining, but..." Hercules shrugged, tightening the knot on his own head.  
"My father gave me it when I was young. It's lucky." He sighed, still looking at the door warily even though they were at Alexander's home. "I've just always had it." The nineteen-year-old nodded.

Lafayette had been quiet since the Seabury incident.

"Are you alright?" John asked suddenly, eyebrows knitting together in concern as he noticed Lafayette fiddling. The Frenchman didn't answer, staring at his lap forlornly. "Lafayette-" Hercules started, but seeing as the guy seemed completely caught up in his own head, he interrupted.

"It was."

"What?" The other three said in almost perfect unison. Alex cocked his head to the side, John looked confused in general, but Hercules seemed to know exactly what he was saying. "It was. It _was_ gross ind-...ind-..." He could've pronounced it if he focused hard enough, but he was too stressed, simply letting out a frustrated groan and burying his face in his hands. "I know. _We_ know. We can't keep pretending."

"They'll hang us." Hercules said simply, speaking like he was cornered, in pain and scared. Lafayette let out a bitter laugh that was muffled by his hands. "So let them! Let them. I don't know how much longer I can hide this. Maybe they're right. Maybe this is wrong."

Alexander's expression turned furious. "Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, don't you ever doom yourself like that! You have no choice in who you are! We all know that! If it wasn't that way, why would I be here? Why would any of us be here?!" Lafayette flinched at use of his full name, but gave a small smile. "Sorry, Alexander. I know. It just gets so stressful having to hide it all the time, I mean, for God's sake, our anniversary date was at 4AM with cold dinner on a log in the middle of nowhere, Hercules!" John sat next to Laf and put a comforting arm around his shoulders. Hercules nodded sadly.

"I know, mon amour, I know. It's difficult." He kneeled in front of his boyfriend and took his hand, smiling. "But after the war, after everything...We'll start protesting for something different. For us. Right, Alexander?"

"Absolutely." Hamilton grinned. Laurens nodded as well. Lafayette's smile became wider and honest, and he let out a genuine laugh this time. "Thanks, guys. You're the best."

"Seabury is an asshole." John said quietly, making the others chuckle.

Seabury was an asshole. But he'd only get worse.

* * *

 _LATER_

"Aaron Burr, sir." Alexander gasped out. The man looked confusedly at the hunched over smaller one. "Alexander. What's your trouble?" He knew by now that Hamilton wasn't the type to swing by for surprise visits and a cup of coffee to catch up.

"I need your legal assistance."

* * *

 _EARLIER THAT DAY_

"Mr Mulligan and Marquis de Lafayette, you are under arrest for gross indecency with another man. You'll have 24 hours to get attorneys before the trial." The policeman was enjoying this way too much. "Good luck finding someone qualified enough to defend _homosexuals_." He spat the word as his partner started dragging Hercules towards a separate cart. "NO!" Alexander shouted, but John had his arm on the man's shoulder, holding him back. Lafayette looked desperately at Hercules, and then to Alexander. "Alexander. Mon petite lion. _Please_. They can do what they want to me, but don't let them hurt him. ALEXANDER, YOU CAN'T LET THEM HURT HIM!"

"Where did you get this information?" Laurens asked a police officer who was glaring at Alexander wearily, as if aware he could go off like a grenade any second. He shrugged. "An anonymous tip from a civilian." As soon as the carts had gone, Laurens and Hamilton looked at each other and whispered in unison with the same amount of venom in their voices. "Seabury."

* * *

 _NOW_

 _"_ Alexander...I'm not even a lawyer yet."

"Yet, but you have the qualifications, I'm sure they can make a consideration!" He begged.

"I'm not British."

"It doesn't matter!" Alex continued, looking pleadingly into the other's eyes. "I don't care if you hate me, I don't care if you never stand for me again in your life, but please...These are my friends."

Burr sighed. "I told you, didn't I? Fools who run their mouths off wind up dead...I'll defend your friends, but the King's Court is ruthless. I can't promise anything." Hamilton nodded and shook his hand enthusiastically. "Thank you! Thank you so much!"

* * *

 _THE TRIAL_

"Marquis de Lafayette, defended by Mr Aaron Burr." The judge presented. "And the accusatory, Mr Bailey Markman." The accusatory side had multiple witnesses that Hamilton and Lafayette both recognized. John squeezed Alexander's hand as he started shaking in his seat.

"Thank you, your honor." Both the lawyers said, before sitting down at their respective tables. Lafayette was bouncing one of his legs nervously, and darting his eyes around. "My client, Marquis de Lafayette, is innocent. Present your first witness." Burr said simply. Alex was getting more nervous by the second, and Laurens had paled considerably. This was it. Do or die. They could be killed before they got to fight in the revolution. Laurens and Hamilton could lose their best friends.

"My first witness, the barman at the bar the four men frequent, Mr Smith." The man took the stand, looking like a cornered animal. "Mr Smith, did you or did you not witness Marquis de Lafayette and Hercules Mulligan performing romantic acts together last week?"

"W-well, I wouldn't call it romantic exactly..." Although they knew for a fact the barman wasn't exactly okay with Lafayette and Hercules' relationship, he wasn't the type to rat it out either. "Mr Smith, I must insist you provide a clear answer."

"...They did seem to be getting handsy with each other, your honor." The American said ashamedly, like he wished he didn't have to. In truth, he probably did. "OBJECTION!" Aaron Burr shouted. He was a good lawyer, but he was starting to look nervous about defending what was essentially a lie. The judge simply nodded, showing Burr he was free to speak. "Mr Smith, your bar is a mahogany wrap-around, yes?" Burr asked, suddenly seeming more confident. Hamilton had a small smile on his face for a millisecond. "Y-yes, I believe so."

"Aha! Mahogany wrap-arounds only come in a certain size, and if I'm correct, according to other witnesses I present today, they were at approximately 20cm from the bottom of the bar. Therefore, it's impossible for Mr Smith to have actually witnessed whether or not my client was actually fighting with Mulligan or committing gross indecency!" Markman looked taken aback, and the judge peered down at the barman in the stand. "Your comment?"

"Well, as I said, they seemed a little handsy, but that's...that's correct. I couldn't see them from where I was standing." The barman said. Hamilton pumped his fist slightly under the seat in front of him. The barman was called down. "Mr Burr, your first witness." The judge ordered in his thick British accent. Burr nodded.

"I call Mr Alexander Hamilton to the stand!" Hamilton stood, already being nervous about being in front of such a huge court. He took the stand, hoping to God Burr had a good plan as he swore on the Bible. Irony at it's finest. "Mr Hamilton, you, Mr John Laurens, Marquis de Lafayette and Mr Hercules Mulligan, not including Mr Smith, were the only ones in the bar at the time of the accused, correct?"

"That's correct, yes." Alexander could feel his nerves getting the better of him, and was struggling to keep his hands placed firmly in his lap instead of fiddling. Burr continued, pacing in front of the stand. "And your claim is what?"

"That they were fighting, Mr Burr." He said simply, hoping he sounded legitimate. Burr nodded. He made it look like he was processing the information, but really the nod was an encouragement, paired with a look that said 'I got this'. Hamilton let out a sigh of relief to himself as Burr continued.

"Can you describe the events exactly?" Aaron said, turning as sending a glance as if to dare the British lawyer to challenge him. This was possibly the only time Hamilton had seen him do anything vaguely rebellious. "Um, well, we were out for a drink, obviously. Mulligan came late, when Lafayette was buying another round. There was a joke between us about Mulligan, but he took it too far and got offended, and accused Lafayette of starting it, and then a fight broke out. It wasn't that violent, more of a friendly squabble." Alexander had come up with the cover story himself, and was pretty proud of it.

Burr nodded. "If I'm correct." He turned to the judge looking satisfied with himself. "This doesn't contrast Mr Mulligan or Marquis de Lafayette's story, does it?" The judge looked over the file and shook his head, then nodded for Burr to continue. "OBJECTION!" Markman shouted. The judge nodded, and he stepped forward. "Hamilton and these two are friends of the revolution! How do we know this story isn't just a plot between them? These Americans are known to be cunning, after all." Alexander planted his feet to the ground and tried his best to keep his mouth shut. Now was not the time to go off at the British.

"Your response, Mr Hamilton?" The judge asked. Alex gulped and took a deep breath before replying.  
"We are indeed friends of the revolution, but allowing personal beliefs to get in the way of such a serious offense would be unprofessional of me." The judge seemed satisfied with that answer, and commanded Markman to sit down.

Hamilton let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding when he got back to his seat.

Witnesses came and went, and then the judge told the jury to deliberate. Lafayette smiled at Burr at the break. "You are a good man, Aaron Burr." The other sighed in response and then ran a hand over his head. "I told you, I'm on your side, we just have different methods. Just don't get caught again."

Lafayette nodded solemnly.

The jury came back in, and everyone was trembling in anticipation. Mulligan, who was being held at the back of the room, was looking at the floor, and Hamilton and Laurens were squeezing each other's hands so hard they were sure they were cutting circulation off. Burr's expression was deadly serious, and Lafayette was still bouncing his leg.

Do or die.

"We hereby pronounce Marquis de Lafayette and Hercules Mulligan..."

* * *

 **AN: SORRY LADS! I'm a sucker for a cliffhanger haha. DON'T KILL ME! Or do, I mean, I can't control you, but like, I would appreciate not dying today, thanks. The next chapter'll be up soon. Also, like, people wondered about this so I'll clear it up. Marquis de Lafayette has more status than Hercules, but if Hercules was having an affair with someone else of his status there wouldn't be a trial and they would both be hanged. Or at least, that's how it used to work in Britain. I have no idea how court works. Thanks for reading, review if you liked!  
-AP**


	3. Chapter 2: Rejoice and Return

**AN: Sorry guys, I had to do stuff. Oh, and thank you to the guest that reviewed! Your viewership is appreciated! It's always good to leave a short break before continuing a cliffhanger. But we're back now! Enjoy!  
-AP**

* * *

"We hereby pronounce Marquis de Lafayette and Hercules Mulligan...innocent. No solid accounts of gross indecency are founded. Thank you, your honor."

"Very well. Innocent! Free these men. Court adjourned." The judge ordered. The court erupted into noise, and Hamilton was told both of their friends would have to be collected separately, so him and Laurens collected Mulligan, and told Burr to meet them at Hamilton's house with Lafayette.

When they were in the safety of the house, the two ran into each others arms. Lafayette started sobbing, and Hercules seemed to barely believe he'd made it. "We're alive." He kept repeating as he stroked Lafayette's back comfortingly, as if he had no idea how it could be true. Laurens and Hamilton had cheered themselves out already, just watching with fond smiles. "Thanks, Burr." Hamilton said, shaking his hand again. Aaron simply nodded, and then sighed. "Tell your friends to be more careful, Alexander."

As he walked to the door, he said one last thing with his hand on the doorknob. "I can defend you once, but if you don't cool it, you'll get the entire community caught." With that, he left, closing the door with so much force it was inches from slamming.

"Maybe that head tie really is lucky." Laurens laughed as they sat down at the table. Hercules grinned. "Why, John, you thought I was lying? I'm offended!" He said jokingly, causing the others at the table to bark a laugh. The curtains were drawn, and Hamilton made sure the two were sat at the end so that they could cuddle up without being seen. Lafayette sighed as he rested his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. John was leaning on his elbow, making jokes about something or the other, Hercules was giggling into Lafayette's hair, and Hamilton had his head thrown back in the cackle that Laurens had grown to adore.

After the laughter died down, Alexander sighed. "Man, I wish moments like these never ended."

The other men all mumbled in agreement, obviously exhausted from the long day that they'd had. "Alright, no matter what I wish, y'all need to go home. We got stuff to prepare for." They all simply nodded in agreement, before dispersing and leaving Hamilton alone in his kitchen. He sighed to himself.

"Talk less, smile more..." He said out loud to the empty room.

* * *

"Go." Washington commanded, and Lafayette pulled the head tie tighter around his ponytail. It was usual for him now. Hercules had basically given him it for the duration of the war, and so far all it had done was boost his confidence. He was also used to something else.

Do or die.

He threw himself into the battle, fighting for himself, for France, for his friends, and most importantly, for Hercules Mulligan.

* * *

"So this is it."

"So this is it." Laurens laughed back.

"So this is it." Hercules sighed.

"It's over." Lafayette said simply, breaking the chain in complete shock. The other three let out a laugh. "This is the last drink we're ever gonna have together." He said sadly. They all paused and looked at each other. "...We knew that from the beginning, Laf. We've got our separate fights to fight now." Laurens said simply. "But let's make the moment last, right?" The other three nodded in agreement. Hercules smiled at his boyfriend, and they had the night of their lives.

Maybe because they were experiencing it like it was the last night of it.

At the end of the night, Lafayette was dangerously aware he was due to sail back to France in the morning. As they parted ways, Hercules pulled him into a corner, knowing for a fact they were both smashed enough to do pretty much anything.

Their last kiss was something new entirely.

They'd done a lot of stuff before, sure, but this was different.

Desperate, slow, and...

And final.

Oh God, it was so _final_.

Lafayette tried to memorise this feeling, the feeling of his hair being pulled down and tangled up in the fingers of Hercules, as his fingers clung to the other's back like he'd disappear any second. The feeling of soft lips against his, and the feeling of throwing everything they had for each other in one kiss because they didn't know what would come of them next. The feeling of the strongest form of love Lafayette had ever felt in his life, the strongest passion, and most importantly, the strongest sadness and reluctance to leave.

When they broke apart after minutes, although it still felt too short, Lafayette let out a small pant. "I'll come back for you. I promise." He whispered as their foreheads pressed together. Hercules smiled. "I know you will." He pulled back suddenly, and Laf protested at the sudden lack of warmth. He'd barely gotten the tie back, but he was already taking it back off. "But it's yours!" Lafayette giggled, trying to pull away from his boyfriend as he tied the head tie around his ponytail. Hercules stood back to admire his work, and Lafayette hated to admit it felt familiar and safe to have the ends of it hanging down his back.

"It'll keep you safe for me." Hercules grinned. He placed one short, sweet kiss to Lafayette's lips. "Write to me when it's over." He said simply, before disappearing into the night, leaving a stupidly smiling Frenchman stood staring at nothing in his wake.

"I will."

There was a certain calmness about sailing off before the sun rises. No sounds but birds slowly coming back to consciousness and the sound of the sea captain shouting off orders. Lafayette hated it. It was too quiet; Too distant from the hustle-bustle he was used to, that he desperately wanted to keep forever. But he knew he couldn't. He had to go back to France. He was married after all. He knew for a fact his wife wasn't interested though. She was interested in women, and he was interested in men, so their marriage was more of an agreement to hide both of their true orientations.

He had to go back to France and get freedom for his people now he's seen what the Americans have gained from it.

Still, the silence was overwhelming. His cabin was too fancy. He felt too...

Too...respected on this damn ship.

It was like everything around him was either reminding him of Hercules or mocking him.

When he got into his house, he knew it didn't feel like home. Adrienne welcomed him with affection for the public eye, and inside, sat him down with a hot milk. "So, the revolution in America?" She asked. He couldn't wait to talk about it, and she giggled as his eyes shined.

"Oh, it was wonderful! I mean, for the most part. I made friends. Alexander Hamilton, John Laurens...and then there was _him_." He sighed like a lovesick schoolgirl, and his wife shook her head. "So you found someone?"

"Oh, he's so, so, so perfect. His name is Hercules and he gave me this tie, see? I mean, we nearly got convicted of everything. I'm talking sodomy, I'm talking gross indecency, the lot!" She gasped in shock. "How are you even alive?"

"Hamilton did law stuff in school, so usually by how amazing he is."

They talked for hours, mainly just Lafayette spewing about Hercules and his friends and how amazing it was, and then complaining about British laws and the war and how the trenches ruined his shoes. "So I can finally start up the revolution here."

She nodded. "Make that Mulligan proud, Marie." She said with a grin.

* * *

 **AN: Phew! That was a close one! Lafayette is back in France with his gay as heck wife being gay as heck. But what's gonna happen now? Quick reminder this is nothing like history, most of the events portrayed here are completely fictional and you should by no means take it as real. Angst warning for the next few chapters! And finally, review if you liked, and thank you very much for reading!  
-AP**


	4. Chapter 3: The Fight

**AN: I'm thinking this is gonna have a double chapter upload schedule so you guys can experience suspense and I don't have to bulk upload the entire thing. What do you think? Anyway, this is the angsty chapter, so beware for character death! Enjoy!**

 **-AP**

* * *

 _I may not live to see our glory._

 _But I'll gladly join the fight._

Lafayette fought endlessly. He swore it didn't end. It couldn't end. It never ended. No matter what he did, the opposition always seemed three steps ahead. It wasn't like the American revolution. He didn't have his friends. He didn't have the leaders he was used to. He didn't have _Hercules._ He'd already written his death letters and told Adrienne to send them if she ever got news something happened to him. She wished him luck and told him she'd die to get them where they needed to be. He smiled at her.

He guess he expected to have more time than this, though.

The bullet came fast and slow at the same time. He couldn't move fast enough, and suddenly it hurt, it hurt horribly, and he was down. Maybe he was just afraid to die, but he cried. He cried hard. And he cried for Hercules. And he cried for his friends.

Because that's all he could do.

And then it got darker, and Lafayette fought against it for hours. He had to come back to Hercules. He had to. He promised. He couldn't break his promise, because that would break his boyfriend's heart.

But eventually his vision faded to darkness without his permission, and he decided to let it.

"Marquis de Lafayette. Time of death, 4:37PM." *

* * *

Adrienne teared up for the press and took the bloodstained tie from the hands of the general with sad eyes. As soon as the door closed, she started writing. To all the people Lafayette had written letters for before he left. It was the least she could do, she'd decided. To people who'd made her best friend happy.

* * *

Hercules knew Hamilton was crippled with the death of Laurens, so he just didn't contact him. And eventually they'd just stopped talking altogether. It didn't matter. Alexander was the Secretary for Washington, he was way too good for Hercules now. Hercules didn't mind. He was okay with just getting on with it...without Lafayette, it all seemed meaningless anyway.

When a letter was delivered to him directly from the hands of George Washington addressed by the hand of Lafayette, Mulligan had a shimmer of hope. A hope that he was coming back. That the man wouldn't have to live his life meaningless and alone anymore, and so that he didn't have to deal with the huge gaps in the friendship group that had presented themselves.

So he closed the door and opened it in private.

There were a handful of things.

Two separate letters and a small package. He read the letter not in Lafayette's writing first. He wondered if it was compliments from a French general or something.

 _Dear Hercules Mulligan,  
My name is Adrienne. I'm Lafayette's wife by law. I don't know what to say here, really, but if you receive this, it's important to me that you know I support both of you and what you have. Having said that..._

 _Lafayette did you proud. I never saw him take that tie of yours off. But.._

 _He's gone. I'm so sorry. He fought his hardest. He fought his best. And I can guarantee as one of his best friends that he fought whilst thinking of you the entire way. I know that won't be enough consolation, but it's all I can provide. Contained is Lafayette's last letter, for you. Treasure it, Mr Mulligan._

 _I can't thank you enough for how happy you made him.  
Sincerely,  
Adrienne_

Hercules' heart dropped lower than it ever had as he picked up Lafayette's letter.

 _My Dear Hercules,  
If you're reading this, I died in battle. Just getting it out there. I might as well be honest. _

_I want you to know that I love you.  
I know you know that, but I mean it. I love every part of you, every sound, feeling, smell and taste. You're without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. My entire life seems insignificant compared to the excellence of you. _

_You are everything to me._

 _I know this is hard on you. I know for a fact my letter won't reach Alexander, so I'm asking you to inform him of it. He'll find and read it when he's ready to. There's a letter to Laurens, too, but..._

 _According to our sources in America, it's not necessary. I told them to send it to mon petite lion. He needs it more than the rest of us._

 _...I know it hurts, mon amour, but push through it. Please._

 _There is a universe inside you, Hercules Mulligan. I never got to explore the full depths of it. Don't waste your universe obsessing over things long gone. I loved you and you loved me, but I need you to make the most of the time you have left._

 _Having said that, I know how much I'd grieve for you, so maybe I'm being...how you say...hypocritical?_

 _Just don't waste your life. Find new friends. Get a job you love. I need you and Alexander to be there for each other. He can't handle two deaths in a row on his own, he barely did it before. And you need to talk to someone who understands. So talk to him._

 _Talk to him no matter how much above you that you consider him._

 _...The next page is private stuff for later. I know my love can get a little too lonely. *winks*_

 _With too much love to pour into this letter,  
Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette_

Hercules blushed and finally reached the package, holding back his reaction until then. When he pulled out a worn, blood-stained head tie, he couldn't hold back anymore, and let out a choked sob, before letting loose.

He betted that the retreating Washington could hear his wails, in fact, he betted the entirety of America could, but he honestly couldn't bring himself to care. Tears were coming hard and fast and he couldn't breathe and he was snotty and ugly because that's what love is.

Love is ugly.

Love is tears mixing with snot spilling down cheeks contorted into frowns and screams, and love isn't beautiful, love is painful, hunching over and getting your hands damp because you don't want to damage the last thing they gave you. And that's the day Hercules Mulligan learned that the love he had for Lafayette was ugly and painful and desperate and permanent, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

He didn't know when he tired himself out. He didn't keep track because he couldn't stop crying anyway, he just exhausted himself out and passed out on his table with red, sore eyes and a frown he wasn't sure if he could ever turn upwards again.

* * *

 **AN: I'M SORRY DON'T KILL ME! *Note: just reiterating that I made this up. Made up. Not real. This is a pretty short story haha. There's gonna be more chapters, but it just gets angstier from here. I'm sorry! I'm not sorry. Hehe. Anyway, review if you liked, and thank you very much for reading!**

 **-AP**


	5. Chapter 4: Hamilton

**AN: Oh jesus, I actually forgot I didn't finish uploading this story here! My apologies, friends! I'll get right back into it, I promise! And thank you to everyone who favorited, followed and reviewed this story! Although I have yet to reply to you, I really, really appreciate it! Okay, enjoy!**

* * *

"Can I see Alexander?" Eliza paused. Hercules felt weird for coming at the little time Alexander was home, and smiled at little Philip, who was toddler, and giggled at him when he stuck his tongue out. She sighed. "Yes, but good luck talking to him." She said, opening the door wider so he could step in.

He knocked on the door of the study, and received a muffled "come in". When he walked in, he had trouble spotting Alexander over the piles of papers. But in the middle, on a cramped desk, writing his heart out like usual, with a pile of unanswered letters near his feet, was Alexander Hamilton. "Alexander."

"Hercules?" He stopped writing and stood with a smile that felt way too forced for the other to be comfortable with. "It's been a long time."

"It has." Hercules replied blankly. "I just came to tell you that...that..." He couldn't get the words out, and he could feel tears trying to push themselves out of him. "T-that..." He heard his smaller friend rush out from behind the desk and place his hands on his shoulders. "Hercules, my friend, are you alright?" That was all it took, and he was there and it was stupid because he was crying on the shoulder of Alexander _f***ing_ Hamilton who'd be the only one who understood if he could get the goddamn words out, and Alex was confused and patted his back awkwardly because they hadn't seen each other for years and suddenly they were crying on each other.

Because he started too.

Because it hurt. Because they were the only two of their group left. Maybe just because they needed a hug, badly, or maybe it felt like the only familiar thing in the coldness of the world, or maybe...maybe they just needed contact from someone who knew. When Hercules finally calmed down, he pulled away. "T-there's a letter for you, Alexander." The secretary rubbed his hands over his face and knelt down, rustling through them, wondering how Mulligan knew, until he found one with familiar handwriting. He cracked a grin and pulled it open.

His face dropped quickly.

"...Oh Jesus Christ." He whispered. Hercules nodded. Hamilton looked up at him with sad, empathetic eyes. "I'm so sorry, Hercules."

"I know you are." He mumbled, staring off to the side and fiddling with his hands. Alex shook his head. "No, I haven't been there for anyone since..."

"Since John died. You loved him. All of us knew it. It's understandable. " Alex nodded and then shook his head hard. "It's no excuse! I was being selfish. You..." He looked at the pile, Lafayette's letter still gripped in his hand. "You wrote every day after John died. I just never replied... But I didn't realize I needed to see you again until I was sad that they stopped coming."

Hercules didn't respond.

"I-I...I'm...so...so sorry. I don't deserve to call you a friend." Hamilton started shaking and brought his hands to his face. Hercules hadn't noticed little Phillip come in. "Pa, what's wrong?" He asked, pulling on the side of Alexander's jacket. His father uncovered his face slightly and smiled, sweeping his son up into his arms. He groaned slightly. "You're getting big, aren't you?" He laughed as he hugged the toddler. Hercules watched with a faint smile.

"You're a good father." He said quietly. Alex shook his head as Phillip wiped at his eyes, grinning at the little boy like there was nothing else in the universe. "Not good enough. "

"One never thinks they're good enough for their children." Mulligan replied. Alex gave him a fond look, placing Phillip down and ruffling his hair. "I suppose not. Go play whilst Pa talks with Uncle Herc, okay, Phillip?" He said gently. The toddler looked concerned, an expression he'd no doubt picked up from his mother. "You were sad! I don't want you to be sad."

Alexander kneeled down, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. "Remember when I told you about my friends back in the fight? And how one of them, Mr Laurens, went to heaven? And I was very sad about it? "

The small boy nodded. "Well, another of my friends, Mr Lafayette, went to heaven too. And that's why I'm sad. But Uncle Herc loved Mr Lafayette a lot, so he came to me for help because friends help each other." The child nodded with a small smile and hugged Hercules' leg.

"I'm sorry that Mr Laf-i, Laf-ay...Mr Laf is in heaven." He said innocently, and Hercules patted his head with a smile. "Me too." The boy ran out of the door and Hamilton's face turned solemn again. "Will you be alright?" Mulligan paused and wrapped his arms around himself, staring at the floor. "I don't know. Eventually."

"...Don't do anything stupid." Alexander said gently, his eyes softening as he hugged his friend goodbye. "Come around again sometime. Or write to me. I promise I'll reply."

Mulligan nodded woodenly, taking in how it felt to hug one of his best friends because he knew it'd be a long time before he could do it again. When Alexander pulled back, it seemed like they both didn't want to do so. Hercules said goodbye and watched as Alex threw himself back into his work with more force than before, and then closed the door behind him.

He didn't mention the obvious cramping of his friend's hand, or the tears gathering threatening to drip over the bags under his eyes, because he knew Alexander didn't want him to. He knew that Alexander would just flash another fake smile and say Hercules was seeing things, no matter how bruised his wrists were becoming, no matter how watery his eyes got, no matter how alone he looked.

Because he knew Alexander Hamilton.

He thought he may have been the only one left in the world that did.

Hercules said a respectful goodbye to Eliza, and she smiled, simply thanking him for getting her husband to step away from his work from even a second. Little Phillip was at her side, and waved shyly when Hercules knelt down, wishing him goodbye. The man smiled, and then left the Hamilton's house, somehow feeling even more heat up than when he came.

When he got home, he stared at the tie for a little longer, Lafayette's letter gripped in his hand tightly. And he let himself cry again, but this time it was angry. Too angry. He slammed his hands against the table. "Stupid superstitions...Stupid Lafayette...Stupid Alex...STUPID EVERYTHING!" He grabbed the tie with his free hand, letting the letter go so it could drift back down onto the table.

"YOU LIED TO ME!" He screamed, not hiding to himself the way his hands were shaking, the way he was sobbing again. He didn't know who he was talking to. Himself? The tie? Lafayette? At the thought of his boyfriend, he threw the bunched up tie against a wall. "YOU SAID YOU'D COME BACK!" He wailed, trying to stop the tears by leaning his eyes on his fists.

"You said you'd come back..." He repeated forlornly.

It hit him that he was breaking down way too much lately.

He decided he'd write.

* * *

 **AN: That's that! Once again, my deepest apologies for forgetting about this, I'll have the rest of this story up ASAP. Thanks for being patient with me! The next chapter's going to have trigger warnings, just saying in advance. Also, the reason Hercules writes at the end of this relates to the idea that he's the last person alive who understands Alexander- Because he understands himself. Once again, thank you very much for reading, reviews and favorites are appreciated and read, so feel free to do either if you enjoyed it! Thanks!  
-AP**


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